Masking Anger as Grudges - "Does this help?"

Many of us have what we like to call “grudges” that we hold against people and organizations that have either caused us hardship, or threaten our sense of safety. Although we call them grudges, but they are actually manifestations of anger that we have yet to resolve.

Years ago I wrote an editorial piece in “The Daily Cardinal,” a student newspaper in Madison, Wisconsin. I presented an argument that was logical and well thought out. The next day “The Daily Cardinal” ran an editorial cartoon portraying me as an anti-Semite complete with a swastika on my sleeve. What the author failed to consider was that I have very close Jewish relatives and often celebrated the Jewish holidays with them. The accusation was entirely false and yet I was emotionally hurt. I reread my original piece several times trying to decipher what information the cartoonist had considered anti-Semitic. In fact, there was nothing in my writing or elsewhere that would lead someone to think that I was anti-Semitic. Why then did the cartoonist characterize me in that way?

As a young college student, I had never been publicly scrutinized. It was a shock to my self esteem and caused me to stay clear of public criticism for years afterward. What I realized much later was that the cartoonist, who by the way didn't sign the cartoon with a name, but rather a pair of initials, had been holding a grudge against me for something that had happened long before I wrote that piece and for something that had no correlation with his accusations. I often wonder if he felt any relief after drawing that cartoon and having it published. It is clear that his actions were made out of anger rather than rational thought. If he had addressed the issue with me directly I would have been able to understand his position and we could have possibly worked things out. In contrast, he chose to make a blanket statement about my character that was entirely false and served no purpose other than to confuse the people who knew us both personally. He let his anger get in the way of rational thought and in the end, he positioned himself as being irrational and spiteful.

I once considered it normal to carry anger around as “grudges.” Grudges are not normal and they are not healthy. Holding negative emotions inside rather than addressing them, can have negative effects on your personal and professional lives. Further, grudges carried by one person are often passed among other people in similar social circles. The simple act of carrying a grudge spreads ill will among like minded people and spreads negativity. To what ends does that serve?

Two things all people should be able to do when they are angry are:

1. Tell yourself that you and only you are responsible for your actions. The same is true for everyone else. If you are responsible for your actions, then your neighbor is responsible for his actions. You cannot control the actions of others. Tell yourself, “he did that because of his issues, not mine.” When you make this distinction in your mind, then you will automatically free yourself from the emotions tied to anger.

2. Address the subject of your anger directly. If you are angry about something that someone did to you, address the issue directly with that person. Make a real attempt to understand that persons perspective and clearly state your concerns. You may find that the other person is not capable of seeing your side, but you will feel better that you have addressed the concern. If you are carrying a grudge against a company or organization, ask yourself what purpose your anger is serving. If you can identify the purpose for your anger, you can find an alternative means of serving the same purpose.

Merriam-Webster.com defines a grudge as “to be unwilling to give or admit.” If you find yourself carrying grudges, you might consider “admitting” that you are responsible for your own actions. Admitting your responsibility is the first step in creating success in your life. When you can free yourself of the binds, real or imagined, that other people have put on you, you will be able to move toward the attainment of your goals.

(Brandon Johnston is a Life and Transition Coach assisting people discover success and happiness in life and work. Brandon can be reached by email at brandon@coachbrandon.net, or by phone at 612.326.4717.)